


If That's What You're Into

by FriendshipCastle



Series: Volleydorks [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (just you wait), Erotic Poetry, Gen, It's T just for language, No detail on the porn but they do talk about it a lot, minors trying to get into a porn theater, no frick frack, no one is particularly into the porn though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-26
Updated: 2014-10-01
Packaged: 2018-02-18 19:32:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2359688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendshipCastle/pseuds/FriendshipCastle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written at the late-night request of and solely to amuse my anime bro, who finally knows my username.  The Kurasuno boys discover porn (or don’t).  Title is a Flight of the Conchords song.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Dungeon

“You know, that’s been there for as long as I can remember,” Noya said. He waved a hand at the dingy door with a handpainted sign that read, with a refreshing amount of honesty, ‘Porn Dungeon’ in faded pink.

“You’re right,” Tanaka said. They both stopped walking and stared at it. They looked at each other, then back at the door. It was chipped in places, painted a black that had faded and weathered just as badly as the pink. It was warped and tired-looking, an old door from another decade that just refused to leave.

“I want to know what’s in there,” Noya said.

“Me too,” Tanaka said.

They crossed the street together and stood in front of the Porn Dungeon, nudging each other to open it until Noya pointed out, “You look older than me. You open it.”

“Shit,” Tanaka said, and turned the handle.

A bright-eyed man with hair that was not yet completely grey smiled at them automatically before he noted how old they were, still in their school uniforms. Then his smile dropped off and he raised an eyebrow. “Can I help you boys?”

The two of them looked at each other. Tanaka narrowed his eyes. There was an unspoken reminder that he’d opened the door, he’d done his part for this little venture.

“We were curious,” Noya said, turning back to the man. “What is this place? Like a sex store, what?”

“No,” the man said. “It’s a porn theater. You two look underage. I have to ask you to leave.”

“A what?” Tanaka said.

“Kids these days,” the man muttered to himself. Then, a little louder, “It’s a pornographic movie house. Like a movie theater, but all adult films all the time. Not for you boys, though, got it? Come back when you’re eighteen.”

“I could be eighteen,” Tanaka said. “You don’t know.”

The man snorted. “You look about as green as they come, kid. Come back when you can show some valid ID. You too, shortstuff.”

Noya bristled. “Hey, fucko—”

Tanaka scooped Noya up under the armpits and bolted before Noya could go off on the guy.

 

 

“We gotta get in there,” Noya said.

“We gotta get in there,” Tanaka agreed. They repeated it to each other like a mantra as they passed the volleyball back and forth, punctuating the phrase with the smack of the ball on the flesh of their arms.

“Get in where?” Hinata asked, bouncing over and holding his arms out. Noya and Tanaka seamlessly added him into their passing drill.

“Porno theater,” Noya told him. 

Hinata’s eyes got wide. “Those exist?” he said, sounding both horrified and fascinated.

Noya nodded. “It’s called Porn Dungeon and it’s on the way to the park. You gotta be eighteen, though, and the guy’s an asshole.”

“He called Noya short,” Tanaka added.

“I am short,” Noya said. “I just didn’t like the way he said it.”

“Fuck that guy,” Tanaka grumbled.

“Excuse me,” Daichi said, only inches away from the back of Tanaka’s head, “but what was that?”

“Ahhhh!” Tanaka yelled, and the volleyball went flying.

“No language like that in the gym,” Daichi said, and went to hit back Asahi’s spikes. Hinata ran after the ball. Noya and Tanaka watched Daichi for a moment to make sure he was occupied, and then they all went back to their drill.

“So you want to get into a theater when you’re too young, huh?” Hinata said. “That sounds cool!”

“Yeah,” Noya said, “but we don’t know how to do it.”

“Sneaking in the back’s how they do it on TV,” Hinata offered.

“We could case the joint,” Tanaka said. “See if there’s, like, alleyways and stuff.”

“I wonder if Asahi’s gone,” Noya said thoughtfully. “He looks like he’s forty, I bet he could get in.”

“I don’t think he’d want to, dude,” Tanaka said. “He’d blush so hard.”

Noya giggled. “Yeah, you’re right. I wonder if we could get him to take a look around, though, see if there’s any weak spots in their security.”

“It was one old dude in the front,” Tanaka said.

“But there could be more in the back! And maybe we need to sneak into a theater, how’re we gonna do that? How many theaters do they have? There’s a lot of questions we need answered and Asahi might be the guy to do it.”

“You gonna ask him?” Hinata said.

“I can,” Noya said. “We should all do it, though. He’s kind of a pushover for peer pressure. He doesn’t have to stay long or anything, just look around. And if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work, we’ll find another way.”

“Cool,” Tanaka said. The three boys grinned at each other. The volleyball kept soaring around the triangle.

 

 

 

After school, Tanaka, Noya and Hinata booked it from their respective classrooms, converging on Asahi’s class. They were just sliding up to the door, all of them wheezing, when Suga stepped out and almost hit all of them.

“Oh!” he said. “Hey there! Are you looking for someone?”

“Asahi,” Noya gasped.

Suga’s face folded into the expression of gentle regret that he often wore. “Oh, he left already. He had an errand to run. You can talk to him at practice tomorrow though, right?”

“Does he usually leave fast after class?” Hinata asked.

“Sort of,” Suga said, raising his eyebrows. “If he doesn’t have any plans, he’s out pretty quickly. I’m just a bit slow at packing up.”

“Shit,” Noya groaned. “Can you keep him after class tomorrow?”

“Why?” Suga asked.

“We wanna ask him about porn,” Hinata said.

Suga’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline. “Oh! Uh. What about porn? Actually—” Suga glanced behind him quickly and ushered the three boys ahead of him, down the stairs and towards the room that held their outdoor shoes. “Let’s talk outside.”

Standing in front of the school, Suga listened to their story carefully. “I see. Well, I don’t think I can stop you, but I’m not sure it’s what you’d like.”

All of them gaped a little at the third-year.

“Do you know about porn?” Noya whispered after a moment.

“Do you have porn connections?” Tanaka asked.

“What would we like?” Hinata asked.

Suga frowned down at Hinata. “I don’t like to speculate. But still. I think there are things out there that you may not want to see, and a pornographic movie house isn’t the place for discerning tastes. It’s catering to specific clientele, usually, and just because it’s porn doesn’t mean you’ll automatically like it.”

“Well yeah,” Hinata said. “I don’t like all movies or all books.”

“Yes,” Suga said, “but pornography is… more intense than regular movies or books. In terms of what it’s trying to show you, I mean. It can be much, much more disturbing as a result.”

He glanced from one set of blank eyes to the other and sighed. “Like I said, I can’t stop you. It’s natural to be curious about these kinds of things at your age and it’s fine to explore, but just know that it’s not all going to be pleasant to see. Got it?”

“Yes,” Tanaka and Noya said cheerfully.

“Uh,” Hinata said. 

“You stick around,” Suga told him. “I want to talk about this a bit more with you. I have a few things you should look at.” He turned to Noya and Tanaka. “I don’t know what you were thinking. He looks like he’s twelve, he’s too young for pornographic theaters. But you two…” Suga sighed. “Asahi will be back home in about an hour. You could meet him there if you want to talk about this plan with him outside of volleyball or school.”

“Right!” Tanaka said.

“I know where he lives,” Noya added, and the two of them took off.

 

 

Asahi pulled at the hem of the shirt he was wearing and bit his lip. “I don’t know about this.”

“Just do it,” Noya said, leaning against him and trying to force him forward with his body weight. “It’s no big deal.”

“I’ll look creepy,” Asahi said. “What if someone recognizes me?”

“No one will,” Tanaka said. “Trust me.”

After convincing him to at least come check it out yesterday, they had planned his infiltration outfit well (without his consent, of course). They’d crammed him into one of Noya’s shirts, slicked his hair around until it was parted on the side, and insisted he not shave that morning so he’d have a 5-o-clock shadow. Noya had taken the time to draw a lip stud and they’d clipped a few of Tanaka’s sister’s old costume earrings to Asahi’s ears. There was nothing they could do about his body language, though. He looked like a very shy punk. 

“Just stand up straight,” Noya said. “It’ll work better that way. They’ll totally believe it if you do.”

“Why do you want to do this again?” Asahi asked, but he was taking steps forward and that was progress.

“Because we’re not allowed to,” Tanaka said.

“Because he told us not to,” Noya said at the same time.

Asahi stared from one to the other. “You’re terrible.”

“Yes,” Noya said. “Now go scout please!”

Asahi sighed and walked up the street, hesitating only for a moment before entering the theater. Tanaka and Noya crouched behind the corner, taking turns at peeking out. They jerked back and giggled together whenever they saw someone leaving the theater, but Asahi took ten whole minutes before he came back out. His body language was completely transformed. He was slouching, but not in a self-conscious way. His shoulders were back behind his hips, his spine an S-curve, and all that hair was in his face. 

Tanaka heard Noya’s throat click as he swallowed. When he glanced down, Noya was staring, his mouth half-open.

“Dude’s an actor,” Tanaka whispered.

“You can say that again,” Noya said, blinking and shaking his head.

Asahi’s strange, laid-back posture changed as he moved away from the Porn Dungeon, shifting forward and in until he was all but running towards them, head ducked between his shoulders. “That was so embarrassing,” he hissed. “Do you have my clothes, Noya?”

“Yeah,” Noya said. He cleared his throat and added, “Nice job, dude.”

“Thanks,” Asahi said with a quick, shy smile.

“What’d you learn?” Tanaka asked eagerly.

“There’s a back door,” Asahi said, taking a band from Noya and readjusting his hair into its normal bun. Noya set to work taking all the earrings off of him.

“Bitchin’,” Tanaka said.

“It’s locked,” Asahi added. Then he smiled, even more shyly than before. “Well, it was.”

Noya let out a bark of laughter that made all of them jump. “Oh my god, you’re awesome,” he said. “Officially, we owe you big time. Oh my god.” He laughed again, and Asahi and Tanaka joined in and Noya wrapped an arm around Asahi’s neck and Tanaka slapped Asahi’s shoulder and they all just snickered away.

 

 

Noya and Tanaka met behind the theater that night. It was a Friday so they met late, at 11, sneaking out however they could. It seemed appropriate to break as many rules as possible for this venture. This was an exploratory mission into a strange new world, after all. It was worth whatever trouble they got into.

“Ready?” Tanaka whispered.

“Hell yeah,” Noya said. He ducked down and slipped his fingers under the crack at the bottom of the door, then pulled it towards him. It opened slowly but smoothly.

“Sweet,” Tanaka said, and they were in.

The nearest door led to a tiny theater with hard wooden seats. It was about half-full, with the silhouettes of people sitting in pairs or alone. A movie was already playing. 

“Oh whoops,” Tanaka said, wincing and covering his eyes. “It’s gay porn.”

When he glanced to his right, he saw that Noya was watching the screen with a faintly puzzled expression, as if he was trying to solve a math problem. “This is kinda interesting, dude.”

Someone in the audience groaned suddenly, and Tanaka and Noya both jumped, looked at each other, and backed out again.

“Okay, not that one,” Tanaka said. 

Noya glanced back at the door thoughtfully. “Wonder if Asahi went into any of these when he was here.”

Tanaka snickered. “Yeah, right! Good one, dude.”

Noya shrugged and walked to the next door. He pressed his ear against it. “I think this one has a girl in it.”

“Cool,” Tanaka said. “Let’s check it.”

They walked back out of that theater very quickly as well. Tanaka looked nauseous. Noya was staring into the middle distance with glassy eyes. 

“Not that,” Noya said softly.

Tanaka’s entire face twitched. “I think I’ve seen enough.”

Noya checked his watch. It was 11:11pm. “Make a wish, dude.”

“I wish I could forget everything I’ve just seen.”

Noya raised an eyebrow at him. “You do know that because you told me, it’s not gonna come true, right?”

Tanaka sighed. “Ah, shit.”

“Maybe we should have just taken Suga up on his offer of ‘safe’ porn.”

“We could still do that,” Tanaka said.

Noya nodded. “Yeah, we can catch him after class again and hopefully forget any of this ever happened ever. Well, tonight was a bust. Wanna go for a popsicle?”

Tanaka gagged.

Noya blinked at him, glanced at the door to the first theater they’d gone into, than doubled over in suppressed, silent laughter.

 

 

 

Suga smiled at the pair of them. They stood before him, heads bowed, with deep bags under their eyes. They hadn’t slept since they’d gone to the Porn Dungeon and now they were on his stoop on a Sunday, thoroughly cowed. 

“I thought you wouldn’t appreciate it,” Suga said. “Well, I’ll lend you whatever I haven’t passed off to Asahi and Daichi, and we’ll see what I get back from them. I’m meeting Kageyama and Hinata for a study session, so I have to go now. See you at practice tomorrow!” He jogged off, his grey hair bouncing cheerfully.

“Dude,” Tanaka said. “The third years have a porn library and Suga’s the librarian.”

“Yeah,” Noya said. “Rude that they haven’t told us.”

“When we’re third years, we’ll totally get the underclassmen porn,” Tanaka said.

“Yeah!” Noya said, striking a strong pose. “We’re gonna be the best senpais ever!”

“Hell yeah!” Tanaka roared.

“Shit, why wait?” Noya yelled back. “We could just start seeing what they’re into right now!”

“Great thinking!” Tanaka shouted.

"Let's get planning!" Noya screamed.

"Boys!" Suga's mother cracked open the door and glared at them. "You're being too loud!"

"Sorry, Mrs. Sugawara!" they said in unison. They bowed to her, jerky and rushed, then leapt off her porch and hit the ground running, heading for Tanaka's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t sneak into porn theaters if you’re underage. Don’t go to porn theaters at all unless you are prepared for what you’re getting into. You won’t enjoy it. Heck, I get squicked from AO3 _tags_ sometimes, I’m sure not going into a theater showing hardcore shit. All the junk I put in here about porn theaters comes from Googling in incognito mode.
> 
> We get to witness Noya’s dawning realization that he’s bisexual, what a beautiful moment.
> 
> Fuck that shoe changing room, what the fuck is it called? You know what I meant. 
> 
> And thus begins a bunch of short fics about what happens when Noya and Tanaka decide to give unwilling underclassmen porn so, like, get excited about that. It’s not gonna be traumatic or anything but needless to say, DO NOT GIVE PORN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T ASK FOR IT. It’s rude. I’ve done it before and I still feel really bad about it. It’s sexual harassment, even within a friendship, and that’s not cool. Respecting boundaries is important.


	2. The Dinosaur

Noya was moving slower than usual at practice today. He settled against the wall after running a few laps and closed his eyes.

“You okay?” Asahi asked him.

“Yeah,” Noya said. “Just stayed out late the other night and then, uh. I had some nightmares.”

“Really? What about?”

Noya winced. “Tanaka and I saw some shit at the Porn Dungeon.”

Asahi winced in sympathy. “Ah.”

“Yeah, ‘Ah.’ It was fucked up, man.”

“What was that,” Daichi said, right in front of them. He could appear from nowhere, materializing whenever language or subject matter got too coarse. 

“Nothing!” Asahi said quickly. Noya was in the middle of a yawn.

Daichi nodded at them and backed away. “Break’s over. Get in a line, we’re going to do receiving drills.”

“Right!” Asahi said.

“Yeah,” Noya mumbled. He rubbed his eyes. “God, Asahi, I wish I could unsee a lot of that stuff.”

Asahi patted his shoulder sympathetically. “There’s a range of things out there, I’m sure.”

Noya snorted. “Yeah, you would know."

“What?”

Noya cracked one eye open and rolled it. “Suga told us about the third years’ little porno lending library. Rude of you not to share when me and Tanaka mentioned it.”

Asahi looked blank.

“Suga gives you and Daichi porn?” Noya tried.

Asahi shook his head, color rising in his cheeks but his expression still baffled.

“Well, okay, what _does_ Suga give you if it’s not porn?”

Asahi was opening his mouth when a voice drifted over his shoulder.

“I said get in line,” Daichi said. His voice sounded like thunder rumbling, promising one hell of a downpour later.

“Yep, on it!” Noya said. He and Asahi jumped to their feet and sprinted to the line-up. Hinata was glancing over his shoulder and slammed himself into Kageyama to make room for them, waving at Noya frantically. Noya joined him while Asahi continued to the end of the line.

“How was it?” Hinata mumbled out of the side of his mouth.

“Awful,” Noya mumbled back. “Tanaka cried.”

“Did _not_ ,” Tanaka hissed, swatting at Noya’s shoulder.

“Shut up, all of you,” Kageyama growled from Hinata’s other side.

“Yes,” Tsukishima drawled from the end of the line. “ _All_ of you.”

Kageyama glared at him and Hinata stuck out his tongue.

“Jerk,” Noya grumbled. He looked up and found Tanaka staring at him. A slow smile was smearing itself across Tanaka’s face, from one ear to the other.

“Nice receive, Tsukishima!” Daichi called from the other side of the court, and there was the thud of volleyball on flesh.

“What?” Noya hissed at Tanaka. “Your face is _terrifying_ right now, I hope you know.”

“Tsukishima needs porn,” Tanaka said. Further down the line, Kageyama hit a receive. It soared back to Daichi perfectly. Hinata made high pitched noises of complete jealousy.

Neither Tanaka nor Noya even noticed. Noya’s face contained the same rising delight as Tanaka’s. “Oh my god, you’re right. _You’re right_. He’s way too tightly wound. It’s our civic duty to provide porn.”

“Noya!” Daichi called, and Noya returned the ball with barely a glance, his whole face a crooked, devilish grin.

 

 

 

 

They managed to corner Yamaguchi alone. It took some careful planning wherein Tanaka yelled that Yamaguchi needed to stay after and help Noya clean up, and Tsukishima completely abandoned his friend. It was genius because all they really had to do was trust that Tsukishima was a jerk who wouldn’t hang around and wait for anyone.

“Yamaguchi, we’ve never really had the chance to talk,” Tanaka said, draping an arm around the freckled boy’s shoulders.

“Uh.” Yamaguchi clutched the broom to his chest. “I guess not?”

“You know Tsukki really well, huh?”

Yamaguchi’s eyes darted around the room, looking for either escape or an adult. “Yeah?”

“What’s he into?”

Yamaguchi blinked and looked utterly confused. “What? What do you mean?”

“Yanno, like what gets him excited?”

“Uh. Nothing? Music, kind of, but—”

“Nawww, man, like what’s his _thing_? Me and Noya, we’re gonna hook you underclassmen up with porn, whatever you want, even if Tsukki wants the weird shit. We don’t judge. So, what, does he like leather or play-doh or what?”

“Uh,” Yamaguchi stuttered. “I’m pretty sure Tsukki’s ace.”

“What?!” Noya was there suddenly, pushing himself into Yamaguchi’s space, knocking Tanaka’s arm away. “No way! _Asahi’s_ the ace of this team! You tell Tsukishima Kei that! He’s tall and he can spike fine but no fucking way he’s replacing Asahi as Kurasuno’s ace, got it?”

Yamaguchi’s expression changed from terror to something so blank it could have been as mask. “Yeah, okay, got it.”

“So tell us,” Tanaka said, replacing the arm across Yamaguchi’s shoulders, “what turns his crank?”

A ghost of a smile appeared on Yamaguchi’s face before he clamped it down. “Dinosaurs.”

Tanaka pulled away. He and Noya exchanged a glance.

“No shit?” Noya said.

Yamaguchi was biting his lip but he said, with barely a quaver in his voice, “Yeah. He likes dinosaurs.”

“Knew he liked it weird,” Tanaka said. He smacked Yamaguchi on the shoulder and told him, “All right, we’ll get him covered. I’m sure there’s something out there for him and that’s totally fine by us. You can let him know that Tanaka and Noya are on the case.”

“I’ll do that,” Yamaguchi said. He went back to sweeping, his shoulders shaking slightly. It sounded like he was hiccuping every now and then. Noya and Tanaka ignored him. They were both speculating on how they could Google ‘dinosaur porn’ without Google judging them or telling their parents. Yamaguchi listened and shook his head at the shameful fact that none of these boys knew how to clear a browsing history.

 

 

 

An email popped up on Tsukki’s computer when he was doing his homework. He blinked at the subject line.

> !!!!!!!TSUKISHIMIA U BETER WATCH THIS SH!!!!T ur gonna LUV IT!!!!!! dont aks what i had 2 do 2 get it

“What the hell…?” he muttered.

“Hm?” Yamaguchi looked up from where he was sprawled on Tsukki’s floor, doing his math homework.

“Tanaka sent me something,” Tsukki said. “It’s just a link, though.”

Yamaguchi nodded. “Wonder what it is.”

“Sounds ominous the way he describes it. He claims I’ll love it.”

Yamaguchi stared at Tsukki, then lurched to his feet. “Oh my god, don’t click it.”

Tsukki frowned at him faintly. “Too late.”

Some very loud moans started coming from Tsukki’s computer speakers.

Tsukki’s eyebrows slowly rose. “Are those supposed to be men dressed as pterodactyls?”

Yamaguchi turned bright red.

“Oh my,” Tsukki said, turning down the volume but not, for some reason, turning it off. He started smiling his strange, horrible, sarcastic smile that Yamaguchi only ever saw him use in front of other people. “There are strange folks out there, making shit like this.”

Yamaguchi was so embarrassed he was almost crying. He squeezed his eyes shut tight. “Are you gonna turn it off?”

“Sure,” Tsukki said. Yamaguchi cracked an eyelid. Tsukki had his head propped up on one hand and was watching Yamaguchi. He looked very entertained. “So, you knew that was going to happen?”

“Uh,” Yamaguchi said. "I never thought he'd actually _find_ something that was, uh."

“Care to explain why Tanaka thinks I’d love this?”

“Uh,” Yamaguchi said.

Tsukki snickered. “Oh my god, your face. Don’t tell me, I’d rather draw my own conclusions.” He spun his chair back to his computer and started typing. After a few moments, he looked up. Yamaguchi was still standing there, still red, staring at the ground. “You okay?”

“I maybe outed you,” Yamaguchi said.

Tsukki blinked. “…What do you mean?”

“I said you were ace. They didn’t know what that meant, though, they thought I was trying to say that you wanted to _be_ the ace, not that you were asexual, but then I realized I’d just assumed and I’d also told them something super personal about you and that’s really not good and I just realized that and I’m super duper sorry.” Yamaguchi was definitely crying a little bit now.

Tsukki sighed. He stood, and walked over so he was close enough that he could rest his chin on top of Yamaguchi’s head and drape his hands over Yamaguchi’s shoulders. “I bet that was a funny exchange. I’m sorry I missed it. I bet it was like ‘Who’s On First.’ That Abbott and Costello sketch?”

Yamaguchi’s face was mashed into Tsukki’s collarbones, but he managed a muffled, “You’re not mad?”

“Not really,” Tsukki said. “This is probably the funniest misunderstanding that will ever happen. I don’t see why it was relevant for anything, though. Certainly not for volleyball.”

Yamaguchi sniffed loudly. “I won’t do it again.”

“Good,” Tsukki said.

“Sorry I never asked or anything.”

Yamaguchi felt Tsukki’s shrug. “It wasn’t relevant.”

“…Can I ask you something now?”

“Yes.”

“…Are we dating?”

Tsukki didn’t move away but he was silent long enough that Yamaguchi contemplated stepping back to see what his face was doing. Then: “Can’t you tell?”

Yamaguchi sighed, partially in relief and partially in annoyance. “You're not good at communicating.”

“I don’t particularly want to be good at it,” Tsukki said.

“Well, you can tell me if something bothers you,” Yamaguchi offered.

Tsukki stepped away and went back to his computer. “Yes, I will.” He stared up at the ceiling for a moment, then let out a bark of laughter that made Yamaguchi jump. “God. We’re officially dating because Tanaka thought I’d be into dinosaur porn.”

He typed a neat response to Tanaka’s video while Yamaguchi giggled and went back to his math problems.

> That was horrific. Thank you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pterodactyl porn exists. I won’t give you details. Don’t look it up. It’s horrific and strange. Kinda avante-garde almost, just because who the hell would be into that? Who would agree to wear a pterodactyl suit for a porno? So many questions and no real desire to have answers.
> 
> Don’t out people disclaimer. It's nobody's business.
> 
> Don’t question why Tsukki knows Abbott and Costello.


	3. The Dismissive

Tanaka was nodding in class. His head drooped to his chest and then jerked back up, then dropped again. His eyes were closed, rolled back so only the whites flickered beneath his eyelashes. His jaw slackened. With a deep breath, he sagged in his chair.

Suddenly, his head snapped up. He whipped around in his seat and found Noya, who was sprawled across the top of his desk, snoring faintly enough that the teacher hadn’t noticed yet. Some of the kids around him were amusing themselves by trying to get little rolled up paper balls to stay on his head.

“Noya!” Tanaka hissed.

Tanaka Ryuunosuke,” the teacher snapped. Tanaka twisted back around. “Can you tell me the answer to—”

“May I go to the bathroom?” he asked.

The teacher raised her eyebrow. “After you tell me the value of x.”

Tanaka slumped. “Yes, ma’am.” He glanced at his scribbled notepaper. There were several arrows leading to graphite-smeared equations—he’s had to redo this problem a few times. “Uhhh I got two y.”

“Good.” The teacher watched him for another moment. “Wrong, but good effort. You may go to the restroom. Who can tell me the right answer?”

“Thanks,” he said, and he left to the sound of his class chuckling at him. It was fairly standard.

Noya joined him only a minute later, yawning. “Jeez, dude, what do you want? I was finally sleeping without those freakin’ dreams.”

“Kageyama,” Tanaka said.

Noya stared at him blankly.

“We haven’t figured out what porn Kageyama’s into,” Tanaka said. 

Noya’s mouth dropped open. “But dude! We have those magazines you got your sister to buy for us! We’ve been showing them around the locker room this whole time!”

“But he’s never there,” Tanaka reminded him. “He goes out early to practice more.”

“Shit, you’re right,” Noya said. “I didn’t realize.”

“Him and Hinata,” Tanaka said. “They volleyball it up every spare second they can.”

“Damn right they do.”

“We need to help him,” Tanaka said.

Noya nodded. “Yeah. Dude’s gotta have a better time than we did.”

Tanaka winced. “Don’t. Don’t bring that up anymore. Jesus.”

Noya nodded. “Yeah, sorry.” He backed up a few steps, back towards their classroom. “I said I wanted water, so I’m gonna go. We’ll ask him tomorrow at practice.”

“Cool,” Tanaka said.

 

 

 

 

Tanaka was wheezing already. “Hey, Kageyama, slow down!”

Kageyama glanced back. “Why?”

“Gotta talk to you!”

Kageyama dropped from a sprint to a jog. “Yes?”

“You know me and Noya’s project?”

“No.”

Tanaka managed to grin before it fell apart into deep gasps of air. “Well, we’re trying to. Find porn. For everyone on the team.”

Kageyama sped up and Tanaka was left in the dust. He gave up and bent over, gripping his knees and wondering if his parents would feel ashamed of their son, who tragically died of trying to catch up with the genius Kageyama, if they found his growing porn collection. He’d need to assign a porn buddy. Maybe his sister would do it for him.

Why wouldn’t Kageyama stick around for porn interrogation, though? That was the more pressing question.

 

 

 

 

“Hey, Kageyama!” Noya yelled from the school steps.

Kageyama crumpled up his juice box, chucked it in the trash, and then jogged over. “Yes?”

“Tanaka said you booked it when he tried to talk with you about porn,” Noya said.

“Yes,” Kageyama said, and he took off running. 

Noya watched him go. “Damn.”

“Told you,” Tanaka said, passing by on the way out of school. “Dude doesn’t want to share.”

Noya shrugged and followed Tanaka. “He’s missing out, I guess. He could be dealing with sweet porn but no.”

“Maybe Hinata knows what he’d like?” Tanaka offered.

Noya snorted. “No way they talk about anything except volleyball.”

“They have a study group with Suga,” Tanaka reminded him.

“Oh shit, you’re right,” Noya said. “We could ask him then?”

“We could just bring a couple kinds and ask him to pick one,” Tanaka suggested.

“Or all of them,” Noya adds.

“Or all of them, yeah,” Tanaka says.

“Good plan.”

 

 

 

 

“Hey, Kageyama!” Noya said, sidling up next to him in the locker room when he was busy tying his shoes.

“Hi,” Kageyama said.

“We got something for ya,” Tanaka said. He’d eased up on Kageyama’s other side, a suspiciously inconspicuous paper bag in one hand. “Check it out.”

Kageyama looked between them suspiciously. He reached into the bag. 

“Hey, can I see?” Hinata called, darting over.

“Yeah!” Tanaka said cheerfully. He dragged the smaller boy in close so that he could see what Kageyama was doing. Kageyama pulled a magazine out of the bag and stared at the cover image for a moment. It took a long moment for him to react as his eyes roved the cover, but his expression turned thunderous.

“Not into that?” Tanaka said. “That’s cool, Noya’s got some other stuff.”

“What’re they doing?” Hinata asked, twisting his head from side to side, trying to get a different angle on the cover. “Are those girls having a sleepover or something? Is that what happens at girl parties?”

“I don’t want to see this kind of thing,” Kageyama said. “I’m here to play volleyball, not explore… porn.” He dropped the magazine on the floor, wiped his hand on his T-shirt, and ducked around Noya to escape the locker room.

“Well, okay then,” Tanaka said. “Hinata, you wanna see what Noya has, or you good with—”

“More volleyball!” Hinata said, grinning enormously. Without a backward glance, he ran after Kageyama. “Hey, wait up!”

Noya and Tanaka exchanged puzzled looks. Tanaka shrugged philosophically. Noya picked up the discarded magazine.

“What is that,” Daichi said. His voice was like the slow creaking of a tomb door shutting.

Noya and Tanaka turned. 

“Uh,” Noya said.

Daichi snatched the magazine away, glared down at it, then ripped it in half with a strong jerk.

“Oh my god that was _so expensive_ ,” Tanaka wailed.

“ _Dude_ ,” Noya said. “ _Not_ cool!”

“You are to stop this,” Daichi growled, effectively shutting both of them up. “It’s rude and self-indulgent and I don’t want to see this kind of thing polluting my team. I don’t care what you get up to in your off time, but don’t be forcing this kind of explicit material on your teammates. It’s rude. It’s sexual harassment. It’s making people uncomfortable. I will not have it on my team. Are we clear?”

“Y-yeah,” Tanaka managed.

“Crystal,” Noya added.

“Good,” Daichi said. “Ten laps around the gym for both of you. Outside. Right now.”

“What!” Tanaka yelped.

“Do you want it to be twenty?” Daichi asked, his voice steady and cold.

“Ten’s cool!” Noya said quickly.

“I am totally fine with ten,” Tanaka said.

Daichi watched them both run off. He heard Noya howl about how no one had told them that porn made them uncomfortable, how were they supposed to know?! Daichi was rubbing his forehead when Suga jogged in. 

“Sorry I’m late,” Suga said. “What’s up?” 

“Noya and Tanaka are showing the first years porn,” Daichi said.

Suga winced gently. “Oh. Oh dear. I thought they’d stop once they realized what it was actually like.”

Daichi stared. “You knew about this?”

“I did. I’m sorry. The two of them were talking about sneaking into a pornographic theater. Only Hinata took my recommendation that they start out with something less… intense.”

Daichi sucked in air. “You let him in on the library?”

“I did. He was quite thoughtful about it, actually. I was surprised. He said his favorite was—”

“You didn’t tell him about me and Asahi, did you?” Daichi asked urgently.

Suga blinked. “Uh. Should I not have?”

Daichi groaned and covered his face with his hands. “Oh goddammit, Suga. I don’t want to be some kind of creep in the eyes of my team! I don’t want them knowing I’m human and flawed and all that!”

“I’m sorry,” Suga said. “They know you’re human, though. Leaders can be flawed. It would be a strange kind of leadership if you were trying to hide your humanity.”

“They can’t know,” Daichi said, clearly ignoring him. 

Suga threw up his hands. “Go start practice already. If no one’s brought it up to you now, maybe they’re too intimidated to. Or something. Just get started, I’ll be out in a minute.”

Daichi nodded and left to rally his team.

 

 

 

 

“Hey, wait up!” Hinata called. The locker room door slammed behind him. Kageyama was walking fast, head down and arms swinging like pendulums. The set of his shoulders was sharp and furious. He didn’t slow down and didn’t turn back. Hinata sprinted to catch up with him and then figured he could sprint to pass him. Kageyama objected to this with a huff of frustration that quickly devolved into chasing Hinata down.

It ended in a tie at the volleyball bin. Kageyama grabbed a few balls and said, “Receiving drill. You’re terrible.”

Hinata stuck his tongue out but admitted, “Yeah, okay.”

They passed together for a while. Daichi still hadn’t come by when Kageyama cleared his throat and caught one of Hinata’s next passes.

“Yeah?” Hinata said, straightening out of his crouch.

“Uh.” Kageyama cleared his throat again, then ended up coughing because the throat-clearing had been unnecessary in the first place.

“Go ahead,” Hinata said, stepping a bit closer. “What is it?”

“Did. Did you want to stay and, uh. See that stuff? Because it’s fine if you did, you didn’t have to, uh. You didn’t have to come with me.”

For a moment, Hinata looked stunned, but then he laughed outright. “Nahhhh, I’d rather play volleyball with you any day!” He slapped Kageyama on his arm.

It was an awkward slap, too gentle and a bit too lingery. Kageyama twitched away and nodded to show he’d experienced the arm slap and was okay with it not happening again. “All right. Set up again, your back still isn’t right.”

“Okie doke!” Hinata said, jogging a few paced back and setting himself up again.

Kageyama started the drill. He thought of Hinata’s face when Hinata had said he’d rather be playing volleyball with Kageyama than looking at porn. He remembered how Hinata had slapped his arm. Maybe it was more of a gentle touch, a caress perhaps. Maybe it was nothing.

“Line up!” Daichi roared from the gym doors. Kageyama caught the ball again. He felt himself smiling a bit. It probably didn’t show much, though, and it probably looked weird. Hinata grinned back at him anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about Tanaka’s sister but I’ve decided she’s mellow as fuck and also super cool and doesn’t give a fuck about anything so long as she knows her little brother isn’t gonna get hurt.
> 
> Oh my god these dudes are the worst. This is HARASSMENT. I’m getting mad just writing them but their hearts are in the right places, they think a thing is fascinating and neat and they’re just discovering it so they want to share it with people. But no one’s into it. If no one’s into it, that’s not good. Do not emulate them, please for the love of god.
> 
> I don't know how much porn costs. Probably a lot because it has to make a profit in spite of the Internet? Maybe Tanaka's sisters jacked up the prices because she's smart enough to exploit her brother and his friends.
> 
> Daichi is not as cool as the rest of the team in my opinion, so I make him super interesting (to me) in fics to make up for how little I care about him in the anime. He’s gonna protect his teammates, even from each other if he has to. It was such a struggle to keep from quoting Pac Rim’s when writing his dialogue this time. “I am a fixed. Point.” Whatever, Daichi, you’re seventeen, no way you talk like Idris Elba at that age.


	4. The Ditty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember all the way back in Chapter One where Suga pulled Hinata away from Noya and Tanaka’s truly hideous plan and decided to give him the Good Stuff instead of letting him get dragged to the Porn Dungeon? This is that missing scene.

Hinata stared at the book Suga had given him. “Uh.”

“It’s a collection of the best of Western erotica,” Suga said with a gentle smile. “I was thinking it would be a way to ease into the world of… well, sensuality, but without subjecting you to anything so graphic or unpredictable as pornographic films. Especially in a porn theater. Things go on in those places that are highly inappropriate. I don’t know what Tanaka and Noya expect to get out of it.”

“Uh.” Hinata opened the book cautiously and peered at a few pages. He paused on one and pointed. “Why are these so small? None of the rest are.”

Suga looked over his shoulder. “That’s just how he wrote his name. e. e. cummings.”

“Are these translated?”

“Yes,” Suga said. “But you could practice your English.”

“Nah,” Hinata said. “Then it’s like homework.”

Suga laughed softly. “I suppose. All right, you can borrow that if you want. Let me know if you have any questions after you’ve finished it. Don’t be embarrassed, either; I won’t tell anyone. This is a confusing time and I’m happy to help you if I can.”

Hinata looked up as he shut the book. “Cool! Thanks, Suga!” He bowed quickly and then crammed the book in his bag and waved goodbye before shooting out the door. He ran all the way home, blasted past his mother and Natsu, and slammed the door to his room. He stared back at the door intently but it didn’t have a lock and it wouldn’t have been subtle to move something to block the door. He dug around until he found a textbook big enough to hide Suga’s erotic poetry collection, settled himself so he was facing the door, and carefully flicked through the pages. 

 

 

 

He landed on e. e. cummings in the end. This was the first time he’d read a poetry anthology—usually it was just random poems for class, or a bunch by one writer—and he found that skipping around in the book was actually something he could do. It was a lot of fun to see what Rita Dove had written, and Shakespeare, Walt Whitman, Sharon Olds, Neil Gaiman, Adrienne Rich, Maya Angelou, Catullus, Anis Mojgani, and some other Western writers. Sometimes things didn’t make sense, and Hinata made many a mental note to ask Suga, but a lot of the rest of it was just fascinating.

But he decided to end with e. e. cummings, the first poet he’d noticed because it was just so out of place. It was without a title, and it sat oddly on the page. Hinata read it slowly.

>   
>  i like my body when it is with your  
>  body. It is so quite a new thing.  
>  Muscles better and nerves more.  
>  i like your body. i like what it does,  
>  i like its hows. i like to feel the spine  
>  of your body and its bones, and the trembling  
>  -firm-smooth ness and which I will  
>  again and again and again  
>  kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,  
>  i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz  
>  of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes  
>  over parting flesh...And eyes big love-crumbs,
> 
> and possibly i like the thrill
> 
> of under me you quite so new  
> 

 

Hinata sucked in a deep breath. He hadn’t known that he needed that much oxygen so suddenly. His heart was beating strangely, too. It wasn’t that explicit compared to some of the other things (and he’d had to mash his face in a pillow to stop himself from laughing too loud just from sheer embarrassment) but there was an intimacy there. It was a quiet attention to detail.  
Hinata looked at his arms, pushed on them until he could feel the bones beneath the skin. He pressed his lips to the back of his hand and wiggled his fingers, feeling everything shifting. He checked the poem again and puzzled over pieces of it. What was the “what-is-it”?

He spoke some lines aloud: “so quite a new thing,” and “I like its hows,” and “love-crumbs,” and “under me you quite so new.” He whispered them to himself. He spoke them into the palm of his hand to feel how his breath moved when he said those words. He tried to feel his own spine, twisted to get the vertebrae to pop out enough for his fingers to catch on them. Then he scratched all over his back, as far as he could reach, and shivered. He slipped his hands into his hair and dragged at the fluffy fronds of it until it made his scalp ache.

He knew he had questions about this poem. He just didn’t know what they were. Suga probably wouldn’t be able to answer them even if he could ask. Maybe what he really wanted to know was, when will someone pay this much attention to how I take up space?

In the end, his mother called him to come eat. Hinata shut the book, texted Kenma the strange facts of the day, and went to dinner.

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Such a self-indulgent piece. I’m a poetry lover. I would like to put together an anthology of poems that I find erotic. This is about as close as I’ll get, though.
> 
> Catullus was a poet in Ancient Rome and they straight up refused to translate a lot of his poems until the 1980s even though they were just sitting there. Did you know there’s a Latin verb that translates as “all fucked out”? Catullus uses it. Often. He’s a nasty dude.
> 
> Shakespeare’s sonnets had to be in there because he’s goddamn Shakespeare. 
> 
> Not all of the following poets write exclusively about sex and love. Rita Dove is amazing, definitely check out her poetry if you can. Maya Angelou, hell yeah. Adrienne Rich wrote some sexy poems but she wrote a really great and filthy one that was a part of her “Twenty-one Love Poems”—it’s ‘the floating poem’ because it’s unnumbered. I got to meet Anis Mojgani, he’s super funny and his spoken-word poem about tiny handjobs made me laugh so hard. Neil Gaiman has some pretty erotic poems in his story collections. Sharon Olds wrote a poem called “Sex Without Love” that I had to analyze for a class once, and wasn't that awkward to read freshman year of college when everyone's trying to lose their virginity. And e. e. cummings, well. With a name like that he had a destiny and damn if he didn’t fulfill it. This isn’t my favorite poem of his but it is my favorite sexy poem of all time.
> 
> Kenmaaaaa will be showing up again, I love Kenma.
> 
> PS This came about because of a texting typo where my friend said “Idk if Suga would do that, but I really like the idea of Suga unexpectedly having the secret connections necessary to get them poem. PORN.”  
> And I replied, “He could get them poems. DIRTY poems. e.e. cummings.”
> 
>  
> 
> Aaaand to truly end this fic, have an absolutely spot-on character representation of how these boys would react to porn, courtesy of tumblr. It was not made for me or this fic by any means but my bud found it and here it is. It is glorious.
> 
> http://fukutomichi.tumblr.com/post/90988090787


End file.
